THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS

Yesterday was a pretty depressing day, judging by the posts I was reading on Facebook.  Dozens of posts about how to respond to the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary and who's to blame (I read one article that blames the shooting on Carrie Underwood's music!).  Lots of tributes to Sen. Dan Inouye and other people who have recently passed away.  Snow on the ground in Oregon.  On top of that, the world is supposed to end on FRIDAY!  

I had enough negativity for the day, but decided to roll down to the end of the page.  At the bottom was a post from my friend Michael Crabbe.  It was a picture of the Dalai Lama with these words next to his picture: "Don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace."  The picture made me pause.  I took my hands off the computer and just sat there for about 5 minutes.  I thought about all the tragic things I had just read, the pictures I had just seen and videos I had just watched on my daily roll through Facebook.

The Dalai Lama's words made me realize that I have ZERO control over what actually happens in the world.  I can't even control the behavior of the people that are closest to me, the people I love or even the people in my own family. The reason these events are so horrific is that we have no control over them, we were all helpless to stop it.  So what happens when we don't have control?  We circulate petitions for gun "control" and the sale of guns goes off the charts.  If you ask most people what "peace of mind" means to them, the common answer you'll get is "when everything is the way I want it to be."

But the "inner peace" the Dalai Lama was talking about has nothing to do with your external circumstances.  It has nothing to do with how "right" things are in your world or the problems you've yet to resolve.  Inner peace is the belief that in spite of the horrific events that happen everyday, the crushing losses that we experience and the hurt and pain inflicted on us, the world is still a beautiful place, full of joy and gifts that we are so fortunate to receive.  When we put so much of the responsibility for our happiness on the behavior of others we set ourselves up for disappointment, frustration and anger because no one person has the power to make us truly happy.  Only God and the person in the mirror can give you that answer.

In the last month of my mother's life, she was amazingly peaceful and serene.  She let go of all the things she used to be fanatical about (getting the garbage out on the right day, having enough food in the house, making sure the house was clean in case we had visitors, etc.) because they just didn't matter anymore.   She simply relished the visits from her children and grandchildren and even found the strength to attend my brother's wedding a few days before she died.  She found her "inner peace" by simply appreciating and acknowledging the love, beauty and kindness that surrounded her entire life.

I suppose I could wait until the end of my life to make that realization.  But I'm a believer that experiences, information and people arrive in your life at the exact time that you need them so I'm grateful that the Dalai Lama's words (thank you, Michael) appeared precisely when I needed them.  So I've decided not to buy a gun or sign a petition.

I'm going to see the love and beauty and kindness in my own life. Today and everyday.

GETTING READY FOR NOW

I'm guessing this picture was taken sometime in 1955, the year after I was born.  My grandmother, Felisa Medina, rarely smiled in any pictures taken of her and not even a cute little Hawaiian/Filipino ball of fat could change that.  She would pass away 11 years later at the young age of 66 but in the few years I spent with her, I remember two things.  She smoked cigarettes with the lighted end IN her mouth (old Filipino style) and she hid money everywhere.  I never actually found any of the money, but  it was way more amazing to watch her puffing a Viceroy while cooking up a pot of pansit.

If I was old enough to have a conversation with my Grandma before she died, I often wondered what she would have said about the events of her life.  My dad said she had a pretty rough life and basically "worked herself to death" but I wonder if she saw it that way.  I wonder if she felt fortunate to come to the United States from the Philippines in 1931 or cursed that she had to raise nine children with an absentee husband.  I wonder if she felt blessed to have the life she had or victimized by the circumstances that cut her life short.  Victor or Victim?  Maybe her facial expression is the most telling clue.

Me, on the other hand, looked clueless about the life that lay ahead of me.  Eyes wide open, fist clenched to take on the world, mouth slightly open and ready to eat.  Though my life took a completely different path than my grandma's, we both had/have the same choice.  We can decide how the events of our past will affect the way we look at our lives today.

I'm a believer that our greatest challenge in life is trying to make sense of the things that happen to us and to use that perception as inspiration to go forward.  We all experience pain, anger, fear, guilt, shame and resentment  and it's so easy to just accumulate those emotions and carry them through your life.  The weight of these negative feelings over the years creates angry and bitter people.  When you meet someone, once you get to know them, their demeanor will tell you how they've decided to see their past.  Happy people have learned to let go of emotions that don't serve them, unhappy people hold on to feelings that keep them on a vicious cycle of being angry at the past and terrified of the future.

Take a look at the events of your life.  The slightest twist or turn could have taken you on a completely different path.  What if you weren't there the day your future spouse showed up?  What if you chose a different school?  What if you took a different job?  Were these all random events or part of some designed plan?

I don't profess to know the answer to that question (a question that has baffled philosophers since the beginning of time), but what I do know is that the events of your past actually get you prepared for what's ahead.  It's amazing to me how some experience, some encounter with a person or some piece of random information from my past can come around and be relevant years later.  What's most ironic is that the experiences, people and information that are the MOST negative end up being the most insightful and helpful down the road.  Opportunites to learn and grown always happen outside of our comfort zone.

I've heard the saying "your past is only important because it got you to today."  But I'll take it a step further and say that I see my past as important because it got me ready for what I'm experiencing today. And each day that goes by, regardless of what that day brings, I understand my life a little better and it helps me to be less fearful of the future.

Everything that's happened (and everything that's going to happen) is simply getting me ready for now.

THE LIFE THAT HE IMAGINES

Over the weekend, some of the members of my family gathered for a reunion in Hilo.  Of my seven siblings, four were able to make it, including several of the next generation "cousins" and their families.  It was great to have my son, Caine, (who traveled from Portland, Oregon) there for the weekend.

Caine and I had many conversations over the weekend, but one in particular (with his cousin Pomai), sticks in my mind.  Caine and Pomai will both hit 30 years old within the next year and we got into the subject  of  "not living the same day over and over again."  Pomai was saying how easy it is to have "one day melt into the next day and pretty soon two weeks have gone by." Caine brought up the idea of traveling through the country to experience new places, new ideas and new people.

A little surprised by that idea, I asked, "What kind of plan would you have to do something like that?"

"My plan would be to not have a plan," he said.

That got my attention because I was raised to believe, "If you don't have a plan, you'll always be living someone else's plan" and "failing to plan is planning to fail" etc., etc.  I couldn't image living life without a plan, a direction, a goal or even just a broad vision of the future.  I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't look at life that way.

But Caine and Pomai started to make a good case for spontaneity:  finding out who you are; discovering your strengths and weaknesses; accessing your capabilities; gauging your ability to be resourceful; taking your "people skills" to the highest levels and giving your ethics and values the ultimate acid-test.  I bought all the logic, but still resisted the idea because it didn't fit into my paradigm of a happy and rewarding life.  "Young people come up with all these crazy ideas but later on they figure out how unrealistic they really are," I thought to myself as our conversation wound down.

Later that day, I thought about why I had such resistance to their ideas.  It's simply a matter of perspective.  I see it as a matter of safety.  Caine sees it as a matter of adventure.  I envision him being out there in the cold, with no food and no place to go.  He sees himself meeting great people and enjoying a simple, yet abundant existence.  I look at it with fear of what might happen to him.  He looks at it with gratitude for the opportunity to pursue his dream.

It's been a few days and I'm better with the idea now because I've realized that a huge aspect of our happiness is self-determination.  We each have the right to decide what happiness means to us and (at least in this country) have the freedom to pursue that vision.  As Caine's father, I have to give him that freedom and opportunity even though its possible something could go terribly wrong.

We depend on our fears to keep our children safe when they are young, but projecting our fears on them as adults constricts their ability of find happiness for themselves and locks them into to living the life they think we want for them instead of the life that they determine for themselves.  Many of us have lived "our parents version of our life"without really knowing it until we hear the ideas of our adult children.

If he ends of going out there, I'm still going to worry.  But I'll be more proud of him for pursing the life that he imagines.

EAT, MOVE, THINK

A few weeks ago, I attended my 40th class reunion.  My high school (Kamehameha) is a private school that was established for the education of Hawaiian and part-Hawaiian students so it has a long and proud history.  Their alumni is very organized and active and they have developed a system of reunions where every class has the opportunity to gather every five years to reconnect, socialize and just plain party.

My class (1972) are all hitting 58-years old this year and as a group, we seem to be doing pretty well.  We try not to spend our time delving into our problems, but we can see that some of us are having health issues and other challenges that are taking up our energy.  But for the most part, the people who showed up seemed happy to be there, active in thier lives and anxious to catch up with each other.

But we're a group in transition.  Many of us already retired from our primary careers and are now working on a second work phase or caring for grandchildren or pursuing interests that we never had the time to follow.  It really is the "golden age" of our lives because we generally have more time, more income and less responsibility than we did 20 years ago.  We have more time to concentrate on ourselves, our health and our finances.

It's a difficult transition for some of us because we've been taking care so many things (and so many people) for so many years that it seems almost selfish to devote time to ourselves.  We know that we need to make lifestyle adjustments to the constant changes in our lives to live happily into our 70's, 80's and 90's.  But our family structures are changing, our careers are ending, we're losing people who are important to us and our bodies are slowing down.  We're facing the last 1/3 of our lives and there are lots of reasons to be depressed.  We know we have to make changes, but where do we start?  Everyone from Dr. Oz to Anthony Robbins has an answer, but it's all pretty much the same:

Change what you eat.   Change what you do.  Change what you think.

The science is already well-proven that our diet is the basis for chronic diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer and strokes.  If you have NetFlicks, watch "Knives over Forks" and you'll get a very clear picture of how Americans are basically eating themselves to death.   It's really tough here in Hawaii, where salty and fattening foods are the central point of every social gathering, but we're seeing more brown rice, green salads and non-carbonated drinks popping up on menus and on our buffet tables.  Go to my friend Liana Honda's blog (www.soducksoup.com) for some great ideas on healthy eating using local foods.  A plant-based diet can actually reverse many chronic health conditions.  Watch the movie or read Joel Furhman's "Eat to Live."

We create habits and then those habits create us.  My Mom used to say, "you got to get going", meaning that you have to move around and it helped her to live to 86 years old (and her mother to 94 years old).  Where ever we are physically is the direct result of the habits we've kept.  If we want different results, we need to create different habits.  Easier said than done, but those who are stepping forward to change the way they do things are getting spectacular results that will make their days ahead happier and healthier.  You don't need to run a marathon.  Try some walking, use the stairs when you can, visit your local swimming pool or beach.  Qigong or taichi is great for exercise and relaxation. Sign up for Zumba, hula or ballroom dancing.  If you enjoy a physical activity, you'll tend to do it more.   So much of the quality of our life is connected to our mobility, so we have to do everything we can to move around a little bit everyday to slow down the physical ailments that will limit our mobility.

After I survived prostate cancer in 2008, my classmate, Tommy Thompson sent me a book called, "The Anti-Cancer Book," a ground-breaking work on how to live a cancer-free lifestyle.  A large portion of the book is dedicated to how positive thoughts strengthen our immune systems and conversely, how negative thoughts and stress can activate the cancer cells in our bodies.  Not only can your thoughts make you sick, they determine the level of joy and happiness you'll experience.  Philosophers have known for hundreds of years that the quality of our lives will follow the quality of our thoughts, regardless of our circumstances.  Essentially, our life is whatever we think it is. Go to www.nightingale.com and start listening to their personal development programs, it's possible to change your life completely by simply changing the way you look at things.

Want a new life going forward?  Eat better.  Move around more.  Expand your thinking.

THE LEGACY OF MOTHERHOOD

I was going through some old pictures that belonged to my Dad and came across this picture that was taken in the late 1920's before his family immigrated to Hawaii from the Philippines.  My Dad (second from the left), never returned to the Philippines once he arrived here at age seven.  My Grandmother (the young woman on the right) went on to have another four children in Hawaii, but died at the relatively young age of 66.  I was 12 when she passed away and I remember when I asked my Dad how she died, he answered, "She worked herself to death."  It's interesting that whenever I see a picture of my grandmother, I always think about what my Dad told me about her.

Later in life, my aunties and cousins would show me pictures of my grandmother and we collectively made note of the fact that she never smiled in any of the pictures that were taken of her.  In most of the pictures (like the one above), she looked like a woman who had an enormous weight and responsibility on her shoulders. Even in my experiences with her as a young boy, I rarely remember her smiling or laughing.

It's a stark contrast to the pictures in our family photo album where my mother's smiling face is in the middle of every shot, surrounded by her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Mom didn't have to endure the hardships of my Dad's mother, but she did manage to raise a large family with less than perfect circumstances.  Now when I look at the pictures of my siblings families, I really see the influence and affect that the "mother" had on each family.

Maybe it's because we come out of our mother's bodies that we connect to them in a way that is different from our fathers.   Mother's really create the "glue" that holds a family together and is the single determining factor on how "close" a family grows as they age and mature.  No other person on the planet has the power that a mother does.

I talked to my son Caine yesterday and we're probably as close as a father and son can be.  But he shares a different kind of relationship with his mother that is unique and special in ways that don't translate into our relationship.  She can connect and comfort him in a way that began in the womb, a miracle of nature that only a mother and her children can understand.  God's first blessing upon us is the journey from our mother's body and that mother/child connection we never lose.

I'm aware that not everyone has a positive connection with their mother.  Family dynamics sometimes create rifts that are never healed.  But regardless of how we feel about our mothers, when we lose them, our world is never the same.  Amongst my brothers and sisters, we've lost our Dad, our spouses, even our children, but our most devastating loss happened when our Mom died in 2009.

Though my grandmother didn't smile much, I know that motherhood brought her great joys that she could not have experienced in any other way.  Maybe she would have smiled more if she knew that 80 years into the future her grandson would finally express the joy she had all along.

Happy Mother's Day, Grandma!

THE CHANGE THAT COMES

My 40th high school reunion is coming up in a few weeks and I'm excited to see friends that I've known since I was teenager.  We're all pushing 60 now and way past the age where we're judging each other.  We're drawing closer as we get older and at this stage in life, most of us actually "care" about what is happening with each other.  One of the things we do during our reunions is pay tribute to those classmates who are no longer with us and that's enough of a reality check to keep us all humble.  The difference between this reunion and our 20th reunion in 1992 is in the last 20 years most of us have experienced the loss of family members, friends, spouses, even our children.  That changes you.

It changes you because grief gives you the opportunity to access thoughts, feelings and emotions that we could never experience any other way.  Until you've sat in the front row of a funeral and looked at the casket or the ashes of someone close to you, it's difficult to fully appreciate the full value of your own life. We actually need that sadness and despair to give the proper perspective to the people and activities that we cherish.  It's the yin and yang of life.  We need the darkness to appreciate the light.  The cold of winter  makes us love the warmth of the spring.

I've been fortunate to have enough significant losses to alter the way I look at life.  It's more simple now and less complicated.  I don't want much and have no aspirations of greatness or fame.  I'm not interested in being #1 at anything and the "competitive drive" I had back in my 30's is just a memory.  I'd rather plant some flowers than be the chairman of a committee.  I'd rather sit and watch the sunset than go to an event and meet new people.

It's kind of ironic that each day as I move closer to the end of my life,  I actually enjoy life more and more.  I suppose it would be different if I was taking care of a very sick loved one or had a terrible disease like cancer, but I've had both of those and that's why I believe that I can see life so positively.  What I've learned from watching others around me is that people influence us a lot more after they leave us.  These days, I think a lot more about the important things my Mom and Dad taught me than I ever did when they were alive.

The other end of truly appreciating life is birth of grandchildren.  I don't have any of my own, but those of my friends who have them, point to that event as a key "transitional" moment of their lives.  If we look at our lives like a tree; the roots are our history; the branches are our children and the fruit are our grandchildren.  We become the tree trunk, the vital connection between our past and our future.  When life transitions to legacy (with the birth of our grandchildren), we shift from learners to teachers and that gives us the purpose and meaning that will carry us the rest of our days.

It will be nice to reminisce about old times with my classmates.  But it will be more fun to see how much we've evolved, how simple our lives have become and how our friendships become more cherished with each year.  I think we're starting to figure out that the only really important thing in life is to spend time with people who mean something to you.

THE LESSONS HE NEVER TAUGHT ME

Today would have been my Dad's 88th birthday, but he passed away six years ago from congestive heart failure and complications brought on by diabetes.  I think about him on his birthday and generally feel grateful for the many lessons he taught me during his lifetime.  Much of who I am today is a direct result of the many direct and in-direct snipets of wisdom he managed to impart on me during those brief times when I was actually listening to what he was saying.

But this morning, I started to think about the things he didn't teach me.

My grandfather was a career solider in the Army and was rarely at home.  My Dad and his older brother, Rev, took the responsibility of helping my grandmother manage a household of nine children with very little money.  Through high school, Dad worked almost 80 hours a week and slept through most of his classes. A couple of years later, he took up amateur boxing but neither of his parents ever came to see his fights.   Later in life, he went into the South Pacific to work for a year and returned to buy his parents a house but ended up moving out when they disapproved of my mother as his choice for matrimony.

My Dad had anger and resentment toward my grandfather for his treatment of my grandmother and the neglect of his siblings.  But he could see that my grandfather's behavior was partially due to the anger and resentment that Grandpa had toward his father.  Dad saw the pattern and was determined not to bring that anger into the next generation.  When he married my mother, he made a critical choice to leave the past behind.

Dad wasn't perfect, but he gave us the acknowledgement, appreciation and affection we needed to grow up without anger, fear, guilt and shame.   He let us know that we had the power to make changes in our lifetime that would benefit the generations ahead and showed us (by example) the courage it takes to create a different life for your children.

Many of the "issues" people have today were passed down to them from their parents, who did not have the tools to resolve them.  If we're not conscious of these issues, our children (and grandchildren) will simply continue to carry generations of fear, anger, guilt and shame.  Fortunately, Larry Medina chose a different set of characteristics that will become his legacy for generations to come.

Acknowledgement.  Appreciation.  Affection.   Thanks, Dad.