THE LIFE THAT HE IMAGINES

Over the weekend, some of the members of my family gathered for a reunion in Hilo.  Of my seven siblings, four were able to make it, including several of the next generation "cousins" and their families.  It was great to have my son, Caine, (who traveled from Portland, Oregon) there for the weekend.

Caine and I had many conversations over the weekend, but one in particular (with his cousin Pomai), sticks in my mind.  Caine and Pomai will both hit 30 years old within the next year and we got into the subject  of  "not living the same day over and over again."  Pomai was saying how easy it is to have "one day melt into the next day and pretty soon two weeks have gone by." Caine brought up the idea of traveling through the country to experience new places, new ideas and new people.

A little surprised by that idea, I asked, "What kind of plan would you have to do something like that?"

"My plan would be to not have a plan," he said.

That got my attention because I was raised to believe, "If you don't have a plan, you'll always be living someone else's plan" and "failing to plan is planning to fail" etc., etc.  I couldn't image living life without a plan, a direction, a goal or even just a broad vision of the future.  I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't look at life that way.

But Caine and Pomai started to make a good case for spontaneity:  finding out who you are; discovering your strengths and weaknesses; accessing your capabilities; gauging your ability to be resourceful; taking your "people skills" to the highest levels and giving your ethics and values the ultimate acid-test.  I bought all the logic, but still resisted the idea because it didn't fit into my paradigm of a happy and rewarding life.  "Young people come up with all these crazy ideas but later on they figure out how unrealistic they really are," I thought to myself as our conversation wound down.

Later that day, I thought about why I had such resistance to their ideas.  It's simply a matter of perspective.  I see it as a matter of safety.  Caine sees it as a matter of adventure.  I envision him being out there in the cold, with no food and no place to go.  He sees himself meeting great people and enjoying a simple, yet abundant existence.  I look at it with fear of what might happen to him.  He looks at it with gratitude for the opportunity to pursue his dream.

It's been a few days and I'm better with the idea now because I've realized that a huge aspect of our happiness is self-determination.  We each have the right to decide what happiness means to us and (at least in this country) have the freedom to pursue that vision.  As Caine's father, I have to give him that freedom and opportunity even though its possible something could go terribly wrong.

We depend on our fears to keep our children safe when they are young, but projecting our fears on them as adults constricts their ability of find happiness for themselves and locks them into to living the life they think we want for them instead of the life that they determine for themselves.  Many of us have lived "our parents version of our life"without really knowing it until we hear the ideas of our adult children.

If he ends of going out there, I'm still going to worry.  But I'll be more proud of him for pursing the life that he imagines.