THE NEW "ATTRACTIVE"

The Kim Kardashian media circus prompted a discussion over the weekend about how our definition of "attractive" has changed over the years.  In our 20's, it was purely physical.  A nice looking body, killer smile and some sex appeal opened the doorway to conversation and perhaps some level of compatibility.  If the person had a good job (or the potential to get one), that was enough of a "total package" to bet the farm.  When I got married in my early 20's, my wife and I actually believed we had the ability to change the other person and live happily ever after.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my good friend Mark Hughes (who is also a single guy in his 50's) and he told me he had come up with a set of characteristics that needed to be present to make a relationship thrive (not just function, but thrive).   He called it the "3 C's".  Chemistry. Compatibility. Communication.

He said chemistry was important because you have to have some level of attraction to the other person, but it's not necessarily physical.  In our 20's, if you said you where "physically attracted" to someone, it really meant you were sexually attracted.   In our 50's,  you can still be sexually attracted, but now "physically attractive" means someone who is healthy, active and vibrant.   I'm more likely to be attracted to someone who is emotionally comfortable in their own skin and spiritually at peace with life than somebody that has a super hot body but the maturity level of a 20-year old.

Compatibility used to mean "you like to go to movies together and take walks on the beach at sunset."  In our 50's, compatibility means living habits (the way you eat, sleep, exercise), belief systems (faith, political, family, cultural, spiritual), time priorities, financial viability and how you view your future.  As your work life starts to wind down, compatibility gets more important because you tend to spend more time together as you get older.

Spending more time together means a higher level of communication beyond just the logistics of life.   Questions like, "what's for dinner?" or "who's picking up Johnny after baseball practice?" get replaced by deeper, more difficult questions like, "what are we going to do with the rest of our lives?" or "what do we need to do to get ready for when there will only be one of us left?"   Getting older doesn't have to be scary, but if you're not with someone who is open and willing to talk about the many changes that will take place, the future will always be dark and unresolved.

Mark and I agreed that you need to have all of the "C's" to make a relationship thrive.  You can't have chemistry and compatibility without communication.  You can have compatibility and communication, but there's no draw without the chemistry.  I've experienced relationships where there was great chemistry and excellent communication, but our belief systems were totally opposite which made a long term relationship impossible.

Though it's possible to connect with someone later in life and find your "3 C's", the best relationships never lose the great chemistry they started with and develop compatibility and communication over years of living, working and raising families together.   It's not an easy road, but a young couple who can evolve together over the decades holds the eternal hope for those of us who believe love is the core of everything in life.

The break up of Kim Kardashian's 72-day marriage to basketball star Kris Humphries just goes to show you that it takes more than looks and money to be truly "attractive" in today's world.  Being "attractive" means you have a level of depth and certainty in your life that radiates from inside you and makes you brighter and more beautiful with every passing year.