GRANDMA'S HOUSE

At this time of the year, articles start appearing in various publications about families who have very stressful dynamics during the holiday season.  One article I read gave suggestions on how to avoid arguments, sidestep old wounds and keep your relatives from erupting into World War III.   I'm really grateful that our family doesn't operate that way, but I do have empathy for families that do.  Emotional wounds that are inflicted by family members seldom get resolved and without the presence of some solid leadership, they will actually get worse over time.

Family dynamics are established early on and the way your family operates today has its seeds in your childhood.   I grew up in a "blended family" where we all had the same mother but different fathers.  My Dad entered the picture after my Mom already had three children, then went on to have five of his own.  When Dad finally managed to get everyone under the same roof in the late 1950's (including my maternal grandmother), he could see that the major issue was going to be leadership.

My older half-brother and sisters were raised by my grandparents on Moloka'i.  They didn't have a solid father figure and their allegiance was clearly with my grandmother.  When they arrived on O'ahu to join the five of us, my Dad knew he had to establish himself as the clear leader of the clan.  He started off by adopting my older siblings so we all had the same name.   He sent my Mom off to work and had my grandmother (in her late 70's at the time) and older half-sister, Charlotte (12 yrs old) take care of the five younger ones who ranged in ages from two to seven years old.  My oldest brother and sister, Richard and Kiana, were at boarding school (at Kamehameha) so that relieved some of the physical stress of having 11 people jammed into a small two-bedroom house.

With my Mom and Dad constantly working, the five younger ones (Larson, me, Nick, Bernie and Lani) were basically raised by my grandmother and my older sister.  While my Dad always preached the importance of loving and supporting your family, it was my grandmother and sister that created the family dynamic we have today.   My grandmother spoke very little English but my sister Charlotte translated her native Hawaiian to us.  My older siblings gave great respect to my grandmother and that filtered down to the rest of us.  Respect is an important dynamic in a family because it gives you a sense of belief and confidence in each other.   Later in my life, I learned that respect is the keystone of every indigenous culture.   Our Hawaiian culture does not exist without respect for the land, its people, its traditions, its elders, its history, etc.

My grandmother (and parents) did not tolerate complaining.  My older siblings and my grandma came from a very simple life in Moloka'i and they appreciated whatever they had.  The land and the ocean provided most of their food, the clothes they had were clean and their religious beliefs gave them everything else.  Today, we do voice our dislikes individually, but we never complain when we are together as a group.  My grandma's "energy" is still very present in our lives today, so to outwardly complain would be disrespectful to her.

Through my grandmother's 93 years of life, she experienced so much death, destruction, displacement and disappointment its amazing she wasn't depressed.   But she had this tremendous attitude of "holomua" (to move forward) that she wasn't fazed by life's unrelenting twists and turns.  By her example, we learned to endure life's tragedies, express our grief and use those experiences to draw the family closer together instead of using our misfortunes as reasons to fracture our relationships.

When our family gathers for any reason, there is an unspoken attitude that prevails.   We remember to ho'ihi (respect), to mai namu namu (not to complain) and to holomua (move forward).  What my grandmother and parents taught us was not to be petty, to accept each other as we we are and to love each other unconditionally no matter what the situation.  We are far from perfect and we each have our person struggles, but we genuinely love each other and want the best for every member of our family. Though my parents and grandma are gone now, my sister Charlotte assumes the position of spiritual leader of the family and is a constant reminder of the virtues we learned as children 50 years ago.

No matter where we are when the holidays arrive, we always behave like we're at Grandma's house.