At 6:46 a.m. on Friday, July 1, I called my sister Lani to talk about her son Joey, who lives with me in Honolulu. Joey's had a lot of drama in his life lately, but Lani and I are committed to letting him "learn his lessons" the hard way without intervening too much. We also had dinners and birthday parties to talk about because our family is large and activities are always swirling. Time goes by fast when we're on the phone, it was 7:15 when the call ended. At 7:28 a.m., she called me back to confirm our dinner plans later that evening.
At the same time Lani and I were talking, her long time partner and companion, Michael McGuire, would be preparing for an early morning dive at Richardson Beach near Hilo with his 13 year old son, Ryan and his friend, Don Brown, a local underwater photographer. Less than 15 minutes into their dive, a massive heart seizure ended Michael's life. Ryan and Don brought Michael's body to the surface, but Don already knew he was gone. Michael's facial expression and the fixed position of his eyes meant he was taken instantly.
At 9:40 a.m., the emergency call that would change Lani's life forever, buzzed her phone. My phone rang a few minutes later and I started to think about the pain my sister would be feeling. Not just for that day, but for the rest of her life. I wanted to help her and protect her, but there's nothing I can do. Love comes with a broken heart and there's no way to stop the pain when the reality sinks in that your loved one is gone forever. I know that eventually she will adjust, but now it's just primal grief, your heart being ripped from your chest, uncontrollable crying.
Just two months ago, Lani's business partner Alii Chang, died suddenly in his sleep. She dug deep emotionally and rallied the troops to keep the company going, but grief compounds with multiple losses and the hurt just goes deeper. You start to question, "why is this happening to me?" which starts the whole line of "questions with no answers." "Why were these people taken from me? Why so close together? Why didn't I have a chance to have the future I planned? Why is God doing this to me? Why do I have to have so much pain?"
It's hard to relate to this kind of pain if you've never experienced it. But we all get it sooner or later and it comes so hard and so fast that we're never prepared. It would have been impossible to understand the pain my Mom felt when my Dad died if it didn't happen to me first. Now my sister has the context for understanding how painful the loss of a spouse can be and she'll never look at it the same way again. In fact, she will help others who go through the same situation in the future.
Pain is a tremendous gift because it pushes us way out of our comfort zone and forces us to re-invent ourselves, adapt to a new life and gain the wisdom of the experience. You don't see that at the beginning, but day by day, you see how the pain strengthens you, changes your perception of what is truly important and brings an appreciation of life you can't get by reading about it in a book.
When Michael's life ended last Friday, my sister's new life began. And so we begin again, starting from the end.
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