LETTING GO OF THE TORCH

I can pin point the very moment it happened.  It was square dancing in 5th grade.  I knew it was coming because my older brother did it the year before.  I was going to be forced to hold the hand of a girl.

There are things that you never forget as young boy, like hitting your first home run or making your first touchdown.  Holding a girl's hand doesn't rank in this category of significant accomplishments.  In fact, it's somewhere between a root canal and tetanus shot on the enjoyment scale.   Of course, it makes a huge difference "who's" hand you're holding.  I lucked out by taking the hand of someone I liked and while the girls seemed equally repulsed by having to touch the boys, my partner put her hand firmly in mine and without looking at me, she squeezed it slightly.  I managed to stroke my thumb over her hand just before the music started and the deed was done.  I fell in love for the first time.

Maybe I watched too many Elvis movies or read too many Harlequin novels, but I always believed that life was meant for love and that our destiny was to find that special person and live happily ever after. Since high school, I've never been without a girlfriend or a wife for any significant amount of time.  I guess that's the paradigm I've always seen, that you're not really complete unless you have someone special in your life.

Of course, it's pretty hard to refute the power of love and romance when you end up marrying your 5th grade square dance partner.   Holly and I always laughed about that moment because we were too young and naive to show any outward emotion (we never looked at each other or ever talked about it) but the non-verbal message was still very powerful.  It was a defining moment for both of us.

So when Holly died just five short years after we were married, I found a large part of myself died along with her because I had spent so many years defining myself through her.  I'm the kind of person that always looks for the "lesson" in things and I thought I understood the spiritual meaning of Holly's loss.  I was supposed to have a higher appreciation for my life and especially my relationships.  That was a really important and life changing concept for me, but I missed the "really big one."

I had to go through another marriage and another significant relationship to get the major point.  No matter how strong and devoted, the love of someone else does not have the power to heal you.  I made the mistake of thinking that if I could just bring love back into my life, I'd attach to that love and it would carry me through my grief.  But a new relationship needs time to get its footing, build a foundation and define its direction.   The huge amount of grief I saddled on to those relationships doomed them from the beginning.  It's like trying to "throw money at a problem" that can't be fixed by money.  You just end up wasting a lot of money.

Like recovering from open heart surgery, your body has an amazing ability to heal.  Your emotions are the same way, but it takes time and a delicate touch.   When I had major cancer surgery in 2008, many people helped me and prayed for me, but it took my body two full years to come back to its full function.  Emotional healing comes from within and it starts by seeing yourself as whole and complete on your own, without the need to define yourself by someone else's presence or love.  Ultimately, we all end up alone (or leaving someone alone), so "self-definition" is a really important concept to embrace as we get older.  I've learned that I have to look at my partner as someone who is a great "addition" to my life and not as someone my life depends upon.

But I do believe in love and I wouldn't trade the journey I've traveled for anything.  But now it's time to heal, to redefine myself as uniquely me and resist the thought that a new person has the ability to make me happy.  Each of us sends a vibration out based on what we need.  Love is the highest vibration and when I'm fully healed and the time is right, that vibration will go out and the right person will appear.

I read something the other day that put it all in perspective for me:

"The flower never desires for the bee.   The flower's only job is to come to full bloom.  The bee knows when the flower is ready and arrives at the perfect time."