WHY WE NEVER FORGET

Last weekend my relatives from out of town all converged in Honolulu.   Since they are all in their 70's, something that's important to them is visiting the grave sites of various relatives.  I'm usually the designated driver and we make a loop that includes three cemeteries and the grave sites of my parents, my grandparents, my uncle and my aunt's husband's parents.

We place our flowers, spruce up the site a bit, pause for a few minutes and we're on our way.   We don't linger or get emotional.  It's a perfunctory visit that's made annually simply for the exercise of showing respect.  But in the brief moments that we are there looking at the grave stones, we do the math with dates engraved, connect with the memory of our loved one and quietly remember how long they have been gone.

The thing that makes us different from any other species on earth is that we have the ability to connect with other humans while we're here.  Without those relationships, we have no way to ground ourselves to the experience of life.  As tiny babies we start learning to connect with our caregivers, then as we get older we connect with members of our family, then friends, then spouses, etc.   Each of these connections enriches our lives in someway (although we may not always believe that if the relationship goes badly).

I've always felt that my relationships were really the "currency of my life," something that I've been accumulating over my lifetime.  And if I nurture them properly, they become the source of my "real wealth."  Putting a high value on relationships also means that I have to accept the pain when the losses inevitably come.  But I'd rather take the pain than never enjoy the love and exhilaration of the people I've been so fortunate to connect with.  Even when people die, your relationship with them doesn't end, it just changes.  You don't have their body, but you're still connected emotionally and spiritually.

What I learned from my weekend with my uncles and aunties is that they don't focus on why they miss the people that have passed.  Maybe it's their age or experience, but they talk about how their departed loved ones enriched their lives, taught them lessons and showed them love.   They recognize that the people they are today is largely due to those who are lying in those graves, so they come to give honor and gratitude, not to mourn their loss.

The Japanese believe each person dies two deaths.   First, the death of their body.   Then second, the death of their memory.  Taking the time to honor our loved ones last weekend ensured us that their memory will stay alive and that our relationships will continue to endure.