THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HAPPINESS

When I married Rhea, my college girlfriend in 1977, we launched out on our future together with a lot of hope and promise.  We were both school teachers and full of aspirations to make a difference in the lives of our students.   We had some solid short term goals (buy a house, start a family) and for the first five years, things clipped along really well.   In 1981, I made a career change that had massive implications on my future.  It wasn't just the change into the travel industry, it was a change in the way I viewed my life.

I went from an industry where I worked with children to an industry where I worked primarily with women.  I went up the corporate ladder very quickly and within five years, I was at the highest position available in North America.  It's intoxicating being "the big boss" because you get used to people doing things your way and always agreeing with you.  It's easy to develop an inflated sense of self-worth that's wrapped around always being right.   Even more damaging, is creating this mind-set that as long as people do things your way, life is good.

Well, it didn't take very long before I brought my ego-swollen head into my own living room.  I started constantly "evaluating" things and expecting Rhea to do more to contribute to my happiness.   By now, our son Caine was born, we had a mortgage and we were well settled in Portland, OR.  When I bridged the topic of moving back to Hawaii, she resisted for a number of well-thought out reasons (economy, education system, housing, etc.) but I considered it treason to disagree with me.  I started to blame her for getting in way of the life I wanted.  I wasn't mature enough to know that once you start to focus on what your partner "is not", it's the beginning of the end.  We limped along a few more years before finally divorcing in 1995, something I view now as regretable but necessary because it helped both of us evolve in ways we couldn't have done if we stayed together.  Luckily, we were able to salvage a close friendship that remains today.

As my karmic payback, later in life I would have relationships with women who put the responsibility for their happiness on me just like I had done to Rhea.   I actually thought I had the power to make someone happy, heal their hurts and make their dreams come true.  But when that didn't happen, I got a taste of what Rhea must have felt when I told her I wanted a divorce because she didn't make me happy.   There's no better way to learn an important lesson in life than getting that "spiritual 2X4" right between the eyes.   Pain has been a fabulous teacher, though I wish it didn't hurt so much.

Those experiences taught me that happiness is an internal, individual and intimate agreement that you make with yourself.  It has nothing to do with the house you live in, the kind of food you eat or the car you drive.  It's not in the job you have or even in the life partner you choose.  All those things can make your life comfortable, but happiness is simply how we choose to see the world.  I saw a short film about a family who lives on Maui with no running water or electricity.  Though the oldest son died in a tragic fall at 12 years old, the family sees themselves as wealthy because the have each other, good health, a beautiful place to live and lots of love.  They're happy because they focus on what they have and don't dwell on what they don't have.

The responsibility for our individual happiness lies squarely on our own shoulders.   As long as we give the power for our happiness to other people or the circumstances of our lives, we'll always fall short of the blissful happiness we're always trying to chase.   It's taken me 57 years to finally figure out that all I need to do is make peace with the life that I've had, look at my world with gratitude each day and have the courage to live my life without fear and doubt,  I'll have all the happiness I'll ever need.

Save yourself 57 years.  You can do it right now.