SENDING BACK THE OLD PICTURES

This was the weekend to clean out my garage/storage area. It's not a big mess, but it could be organized better and there are always things that could be thrown out. Like most people, I have things that probably should be thrown out, but for some reason, I have an emotional attachment to them. Under a stack of brown boxes, there was clear plastic bin with a red cover. I already knew what was in it.

I lifted the plastic bin on to a table and popped off the cover. Inside, were several old photo albums, the kind with the "magnetic pages." But they didn't belong to me and I knew very few of the people in the pictures. They were Holly's photo albums that spanned the 15 years I wasn't in touch her, roughly 1972-1987. Most of the pictures were Holly and her ex-boyfriend (and his friends) and Holly and her ex-husband (and his friends). In the seven years since Holly died, I've wondered what to do with these albums.

My first inclination was to throw them out (remember, I was raised by a woman whose motto was, "When in doubt, throw it out!"). I thought maybe Holly's daughter would want them, but she had less interest in them than I did. For some reason, I felt compelled to finally do something with these pictures so I peeled them out of their albums, put them in two big envelopes and mailed them to her ex-husband and her ex-boyfriend.

I decided the pictures should go to someone who gives them meaning. The pictures don't have any meaning to me, I don't know the people or the situations, I can't connect with any of the feelings or emotions. These pictures were taken at a time where I wasn't in her life so it doesn't feel right for me to hold on to a part of her that doesn't belong to me. Holly will always be special to me for the time we were together, but two other men each spent 10 years (or more) of their lives with her and she'll always be special to them as well.

It took me a long time to understand that it was Holly's previous relationships that eventually brought her to me. Even though I never liked either of these guys, it's clear to me (now) that she could not have ended up with me without having the experiences that she did. I guess I owe them a debt of gratitude because they taught her the lessons and gave her the gifts she needed to find me. It's hard to finally admit that because there were many times where I could have just as easily pushed them over a steep cliff.

But it works the other way around, too. My first wife, Rhea, is very happy with her partner, Bob, because she spent 20 years with me finding out what she truly wanted in life (and didn't want) and fine-tuning what she really needed in a partner. And though it didn't work out for us, what we taught each other and learned from each other really helped us to define who we are and what we need.  I wouldn't be who I am today without those 20 years with Rhea and vice versa.

I guess it's natural for a new relationship to be threatened by previous ones. Our own insecurity can't gauge a person's loyalty to a past love. But life has a strange way of bringing us just the right people (at just the right time) and it's their past relationships that helped deliver them to our door. But, part of the reason a higher percentage of second marriages end in divorce than do first marriages, is that couples are often too threatened by the presence of previous relationships.  It's much easier to repel what we fear than to embrace an opportunity to learn.

Our past is only important because it brought us to where we are today. Unfortunately, it's difficult to bring the lessons, wisdom and experience forward without bringing the pain, anger and resentment along with it. The only way to do it is to honor the path a person has traveled, view their stops along the way as important and valuable and seek to understand the gifts they bring each and every day.

I guess cleaning out my storage was the metaphor I needed to put the past where it belongs.