THE ORIGIN OF SHAME

In 6th grade, my teacher called on me to solve a math problem on the chalkboard.  The problem was very similar to one that was assigned for homework the night before.  I either had a baseball game or (more likely) was watching an episode of the Monkees and I didn't do the homework.  I stood there with a blank look on my face for what seemed like an eternity.  Then, as was the custom in 1966, my teacher, Mrs. Rotolo, went for the jugular.

"Don't you understand the problem, Benson?"  You could hear a pin drop in the classroom.

"No," I said.

"Didn't you do your homework?" she demanded.

"I didn't," I said with my eyes looking directly at my toes.

"I'm ashamed of you, Benson!" she proclaimed in front of the entire planet.  "People who don't do their homework will NEVER amount to anything in this world.  You'd better think about that!" she reprimanded.

As I took my seat, I had two immediate thoughts.  First, I wanted to jump out of the second story window behind me.  Second, I wanted to hit Mrs. Rotolo over the head with a baseball bat. Fortunately, I didn't do either one, but that public humiliation went right to the core of me and created an internal battle that I fought for years.  The battle against shame.

I went on to do well in both high school and college.  I rose quickly up the corporate ladder and by age 32, I was on the fast track to become to become the first executive officer of my company under the age of 40.  But my life was terribly out of balance.  I was on the road 25 days out of the month.  I rarely saw my wife and son. I'd be on the phone at all hours of the day and night and actually believed that I was indispensable.  I didn't care about anything or anyone except my own success.

When your life is that far out of balance, it usually isn't long before it comes crashing down.   At 35, I found myself in front of a therapist trying to figure out why I felt so emotionally bankrupt. As it turns out, I had a huge fear of failure.   I had a bigger fear of disappointing people, especially my parents.  I was driven by my anger at people who didn't believe in me.  I was terrified of being a "nobody".

The therapist brought me back to that incident in 6th grade and other experiences with my Dad and a couple of my athletic coaches.   She brought me back to the origin of my shame, the beginnings of my fears, the basis of my anger and the start of my feelings of guilt.   The combination of those feelings (shame, guilt, anger and fear) prevent us from ever seeing what is good, unique and precious about ourselves.  These feelings had been systematically destroying me since I was a child.

Shame is a feeling of worthlessness that was firmly embedded into just about everyone in my generation.  Our parents, teachers, coaches, grandparents, uncles and aunties all believed that shame was necessary to provide self-discipline, motivation, encouragement and even love.   I'm sure that my Dad loved me, but he said many things to me (to help motivate and encourage me) that made it clear to me that my value as an individual was more about my job and my earning power than who I became as a person.

The nucleus of every emotional fear we have is shame.   Fear of public speaking, fear of dancing, fear of professional advancement, fear of relationships, fear of failure, fear of success all have their roots firmly planted in shame.   It's the reason we tend to say "yes" to everything.

My therapist helped me to heal myself in my late 30's by getting me to stop defining myself by my job, my achievements and my possessions.  I got around loving and supportive people who saw value in me beyond what I was able to do for them.  But the big piece of my recovery from shame was forgiving myself for all the mistakes I've made, the people I've hurt and disappointed, the times I fell flat on my face and the promises I didn't keep.

Self-forgiveness allowed me to break the pattern of shame that plagued me in my young adulthood and allowed me to see myself as a good person.  It's a journey that every one of us has to travel to find this valuable, beautiful and unique person that lies within.